Self Sabotage
by Kellen Von Houser, M.A.What is Self Sabotage?
Self sabotage is any behavior which thwarts your efforts to accomplish your goals. Self sabotage is when we say we want to accomplish something then go about making sure that we don’t. Self sabotage is when we work against our own best interests.
For those of us who are new to this idea, or who are unaware of ways we are sabotaging ourselves, it’s important to understand exactly how self sabotage works. Understanding what self sabotage is, what causes it, and how it manifests itself will enable us to change it.
Self Sabotage is Unconscious
Most of us don’t consciously work to sabotage ourselves. We consciously work very hard to get where we want to go, but something gets in our way. That something is often ourselves and our subconscious. We subconsciously work against ourselves and this internal tug of war is often evident in our thoughts and feelings. We want to go the gym, but somehow don’t get there. We want to apply for that job, but somehow don’t manage to get our resume turned in on time. In this mental tug of war, the subconscious will always win.
Most of us don’t realize how powerful our subconscious minds are. Many of us are totally unaware of how our actions and inactions are affecting our lives. We believe that things never work out for us and marvel at and resent people who are “luckier” than ourselves. We believe that we just don’t have what it takes to succeed. However, we fail to realize that we participate in our own failure.
Self Sabotage seems Illogical and Irrational
Self sabotage defies reason to the conscious mind, yet makes perfect sense to the subconscious. We consciously set a goal, decide what tasks need to completed, and then fail to do them. This doesn’t seem logical, unless you keep in mind that your subconscious is pulling the strings. If you get in touch with what your subconscious mind desires, you will find that your self destructive behavior is very logical.
Self Sabotage is a Tug of War
It is a struggle between what we think we want and what we really want. It is a struggle between our conscious and subconscious thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. We consciously think we want to succeed. But subconsciously we truly fear success, so we go about sabotaging any efforts toward obtaining it. This may seem illogical, but change is very scary to most of us. Failure may be familiar, and comfortable. We know the place we are in right now. Most of us have spent a lot of time here. To move into a different way of life; a different job, a different career, a different relationship, a different way of life may be very scary. So we sabotage any efforts we might make to effect these changes resulting in an internal conflict.
Self Sabotage is the Opposite of Self Care
Those of us who engage in self sabotage often do not engage in self care. Self sabotage is the opposite of self care. When we practice good self care we are in touch with our inner feelings and beliefs and we honor them. Our conscious and subconscious minds work together to pursue our goals. We are confident about our abilities and ourselves and know that we can do what it takes to succeed. Self care builds us up. Self sabotage erodes our confidence and destroys our self esteem. Self sabotage brings us down and holds us back.
Self Sabotage is not Due to a Lack of Desire, Intelligence, Skills, or Effort
We do not fail because we are not smart enough, because we do not work hard enough, because we are not talented enough or because we do not want it enough. We truly want to succeed, we have the abilities and we make arrangements to do what we need to do, but our own self defeating behavior sabotages all of this. Let’s look at an example.
I had a friend who regularly had to write and submit papers for her doctorate. The woman had the intelligence and desire to get into the doctoral program. She was an eloquent writer. Yet her papers never got written. She would use many of the methods discussed later in this article to sabotage her efforts to complete her writing. Once, she grouted the entire bathroom instead of starting on a paper! So there was no lack of energy or motivation. There was not lack of intelligence or skill. It was just misdirected toward grouting the bathroom instead of writing the paper. Her own behavior sabotaged her efforts to pursue her doctorate.
Self Sabotage is a Deeply Ingrained Habit
For those of us who practice self sabotage we have been doing so most of our lives. It is a deeply ingrained habit in our lives. We are comfortable with these patterns and this way of life. Our fear of changing it may be the primary motivator for the sabotage.
Because these patterns are so deeply ingrained it may be difficult to initially identify them. It may also be scary and difficult to change them. However, if we really want to accomplish our goals in life we have to do this work and face this challenge. We are intelligent enough, capable enough, and strong enough. We just have to direct all of that energy we’ve been using to grout the tub into identifying and changing these patterns. Then our lives will begin to change. Since self sabotage so often takes place subconsciously, simply bringing it into consciousness and making ourselves aware of it changes it and makes it less effective.
Self Sabotage is Destructive
Everyone sabotages themselves occasionally. However, when it becomes a way of life it has very deleterious effects. It destroys our self esteem and our self confidence. It can leave us feeling frustrated, discouraged, incompetent, trapped and powerless. It perpetuates the belief that we are a failure or that we are not capable of succeeding. This perpetuates even more self sabotaging behavior for the future.
Self Sabotage can be Stopped
It’s important to realize that we can change our behavior and
stop sabotaging our own efforts. The first step is to understand what
causes self sabotage and eliminate future sources of it. Then we will
examine the many forms self sabotage can take. Being able to recognize
when we are sabotaging ourselves and the methods we use are the second
step to overcoming the problem. The final step is to institute new behaviors
to replace the old behaviors.
Self Sabotage
What is Self Sabotage?
Causes of Self Sabotage
How we Sabotage Ourselves
How to Change Self Sabotaging
Behaviors
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